Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Day 22 - With sinking heart, I read...

It's another short post today, around guilt and fear of failure.

Today, I had a flip through Ruth Herbert's Everyday Music Listening, and although I was quite enjoying what I was reading, and it obviously slots into my Music Psychology module, but, as I was reading, I felt a familiar knot in my stomach.

This is all so useful, but there is so much of it to read.
When am I going to do all of this?

The first chapter is largely a literature review, and I could feel an anxiety building about reading lists and budgets.
This is all so useful, but how can I persuade the library to get any of these books?
Even if I do, are the students going to read it?

I have recently been making a concerted effort to think about the first point (there is so much of it to read) as a positive aspect. I love learning, and I love reading. I love getting excited about new knowledge and new perspectives. From this standpoint, I am never going to run out of stuff to get excited about, and my entire life will be filled with these experiences of never having to stop.

I suppose it's all about goals. If you're aiming at some kind of point where you know everything that you need in order to definitively teach a subject, you're always going to be living in apprehension of the impossible climb. If, instead, you view it as a journey where the journeying is itself the point, there are only short-term goals, and the only long term goal is to keep going, to set new goals, and to spend one's life as an academic wanderer.

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